MENDING RELATIONSHIPS

Mending Relationships


We joke about relationship movies being "chick flicks," but they are really "people pictures" because all of us are deeply concerned about relationships. We want to be close to others, but that is a difficult thing to achieve. Relationships, we soon discover, are fragile things; they tear apart with the slightest tug and sometimes they tear in such a way that we cannot imagine ever putting them back together.

When relationships are torn, so are our hearts. The joy we experience in whole relationships is matched by the pain we feel when they are broken. It is no wonder that relationships not only our own relationships, but other people's relationships with one another occupy so much of our minds and hearts. As such, it is an appropriate topic of prayer.

A Last Prayer for Friends

Jesus spent three intense years developing relationships with 12 men. He was training them to follow in his footsteps, which is why we call these men "disciples." He was teaching them to go out and spread his message as well, which is why they are also called "apostles." But despite these purposes, Jesus gathered them so that they might become his friends.


It is interesting to look back on the moment when Jesus first gathered these 12 men. In the Gospel of Mark we read, "He appointed 12, whom he also named apostles, to be with him. . . " (3:14, New Revised Standard Version). Mark adds a number of jobs Jesus intended the 12 to fulfill, but he lists being with Jesus and with one another first.

This helps us appreciate something Jesus did at the end of his life. When he kneels to pray his final prayer (recorded in John 17) the night before he is to die, his main concern is these 12 friends. Let us now turn to that prayer to discover how to better pray about relationships.

Those Given to Us

Toward the beginning of this prayer (v. 9), Jesus says, "My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me. . . ." This comes as somewhat of a surprise for those raised on the notion that Jesus died "for the world." He did, indeed, but Jesus was not abstract in his love. It was directed to real people, not to generalizations such as "the world" or ''humanity."

The old joke goes, "I love humanity; it's people I can't stand." Well, Jesus wasn't as interested in humanity as he was in people, especially those closest to him. In fact, he had a special understanding of these people: He said these were people God had given him, people God wanted him to be especially concerned about, and individuals with whom he was to play a unique and indispensable role.

This is the context in which we are to pray for our own relationships. It is good and right to pray for the world for hunger, injustice, oppression. If such topics are not a part of our prayers, we have some serious restructuring of our prayer life to do. But the relationships we have with our family, our friends, and our neighbors are given to us by God. In them we play a unique and indispensable role, and it is right that they are a high priority in our prayers.

This also means that as we pray for others, we might pray for ourselves, especially to understand the role we are to play in these people's lives and to be faithful in doing what we're called to do with them.

If a new couple moves in next door, this is not an accident. In God's providence, they have now entered my life and I have entered theirs. Therefore, they are people I can be praying for their marriage, for their infant, that they might settle into the community. But I'm also supposed to play some special role in their life. It may be as simple as inviting them to my church, or having them over for desert to help them feel more welcomed. It may mean putting up a fence together. It may mean becoming lifelong friends. Who knows? But this much I do know: These people have entered my life for some purpose, however small, and I have a role to play in their lives, however small.

Letting Go

Jesus finishes that thought with this: "My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you" (v. 9). This is the second context in which prayer for others takes place. It's mighty easy to forget this and to begin praying and living as if our loved ones belong to us.

Almost any relationship will do as an example, but take that of husband and wife. Let me speak for myself: In 24 years of marriage, there have been a few times when I have tried to fashion my wife in my own image. I've wanted her to be more interested in theology. I've wanted her to be more interested in sex. I've wanted her to be more organized. I've wanted her to be, well, more like me (let's not go too far with that thought I recognize the absurdity). And there have been a few times when I've nagged, cajoled, bribed, and manipulated her to be different.

All this is to no avail, of course. It only makes things worse more tension, more arguments, more dissatisfaction. Only when I can let go of her can I have a healthy relationship with her again. That means I need to recognize that Barbara does not belong to me but to God, that God has made her unique and special, for unique and special ends that may or may not coincide with my plans.


The temptation in prayer is to try to "fix" people; we're pretty good at seeing how people need to be fixed. But we are wiser to let God figure out what ought to be fixed and how the fixing ought to be done if it needs to be done at all. When we begin praying for others, we should recognize right off that they belong to God and that he has a wonderful plan for their lives much better than ours.

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't pray specifically for others, especially when the need is obvious: "Lord, heal Frank of alcoholism." "God, help Ruth to not be so bitter." But it also means to say all such prayers while trusting in God to answer the prayer in the time and in the way he will.


The Mother of All Requests

Now we'll jump to the heart of Jesus' last prayer: "I am praying not only for these disciples, but also for all who will ever believe in me. . . . My prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and I are one" (vv. 20, 21).

Jesus is praying for all his later followers (that is, the people we now call "Christians"), and his request is pretty simple: that there will be no divisions among them.

Uh, what happened? Christians have become one of the most divided people on earth. As of last count, there were more than 20,000 denominations worldwide.

A number of things need to be said about Jesus' request and its dubious result first, two things that have nothing to do with the theme of this chapter but that reinforce things said elsewhere in the book.

1. This goes to show that the lack of an answer to prayer has nothing to do with the prayer's lack of faith (as some suggest). No one has had more faith than Jesus, and yet his prayer has not been answered yet.

2. This also suggests that it is appropriate to pray for some things that won't see fruition for some time. I have no doubt that Christians in fact, the whole world will someday be one. God's kingdom will come. And if Jesus thought it was worth his time praying for such "long-distance requests," it's probably worth my time as well. If nothing else, it keeps the hope alive that God's rule will, in fact, eventually prevail.

Then let's look at a couple of things related to the business of relationships.

1. Jesus knew that the greatest problem his followers would face would be division. After all, broken relationships are the problem of humanity. This is the problem that most concerns Jesus, and it's not surprising that it is the problem that most concerns us.


2. Though Jesus prays specifically for the Christian church ("all who will ever believe in me"), it doesn't take a German theologian to see that the prayer for unity is the fundamental prayer for all people, for all relationships. Jesus did, in fact, die for the whole world, that each person could be reconciled to God and to others.

To put it simply, there is no more important prayer we can pray than that broken relationships be healed the relationship of God and the individual, and the relationships of people with one another. To say such prayers is to participate with Christ in his mission of reconciling the world to himself and people to one another.

So What?

Practically speaking this means a couple of things:

1. We can't simply pray for people as isolated individuals. People are already in relationships, and everything an individual does affects those relationships. When we pray for Frank's alcoholism, we are wise to pray for all those affected by Frank's alcoholism. When we pray for Susan to do well on an exam, we are wise to pray for friends and family to be supportive. When we pray for Tom's bitterness toward Mary, we are wise to pray for Mary as well, that she might not become bitter in return. You get the picture.

2. We must mend our own relationships even when the break is not our fault. It goes without saying that if we have done something to cause a tear in a relationship, we should seek forgiveness and reconciliation. But healed relationships are so important to Jesus, he asks us to go a step further. Note what he says in a passage from his "Sermon on the Mount":

"So if you are standing before the altar in the temple, offering sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God" (Matthew 5:2324).

Note that it is not the worshipper who has something against the other, but the other who has something against the worshipper.


In the real world, of course, it is not always possible to seek reconciliation with people angry with us. We often don't know when someone has a grudge against us. Sometimes people die while still angry with us. Sometimes they live too far away for us to attempt to heal the break. But this is not a new legalism that Jesus is weighing us down with; it is a recognition that relationships are so important that, as people of prayer (and as people who seek a closer relationship with God), we should do everything possible to heal our broken relationships with others.


Perhaps you can see why, from another perspective, Jesus tells us to pray, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtor." Prayer ultimately is about one thing: unity. That means oneness and healed relationships. We can't compartmentalize, hoping to get right with God and not try to get right with others. It's not so much that it is wrong it’s just doesn't make sense.

God by the Back Door

There is one more practical result from praying for and seeking reconciliation. Jesus notes it toward the end of his prayer. Speaking of his disciples, he says, "I have given them the glory [that is, the power and honor] you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one. Then the world will know that you sent me and will understand that you love them as much as you love me" (vv. 22, 23).

One thing that people of prayer begin to enjoy more and more is a loving relationship with God. They experience love as they've never known it. Naturally, they want others to enjoy this experience, but just telling others about it often makes little impact. Outsiders tend to think of Christians as people who just happen to be "into religion"; they have no clue that what we experience is something they can experience as well.

Jesus assumes that the godly love we experience in prayer is the same love that reconciled people experience. If people become one and especially if people become one with God as they become one with one another this is what will impress others. This is what will help others glimpse the larger reality of the love that surrounds them.

A treasurer in a church in northern Illinois recently embezzled over $100,000 from the church's building fund. When the church board discovered it, many members were furious. But taking the Bible as his cue, the pastor tried to combine justice with mercy, insisting that the man pay the church back while encouraging reconciliation between him and angry members. A few weeks after the discovery, after a plan of repayment had begun, the pastor held a service in which the man publicly asked for forgiveness. Afterwards, many of the people who had been angry with him came up and embraced him. Tears flowed freely. For members and visitors alike, it was very moving service, demonstrating the healing power of the gospel of love.

Mending relationships it’s hard to imagine that there's anything more vital to pray about.